Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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