he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
