I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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