Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
