Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize