he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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