Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
if only i could text you this smell
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
