seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
