he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't deserve a penis
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
