So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
