I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
