it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
