all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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