my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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