I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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