don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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