the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize