I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
