found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
