Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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