Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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