Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
