Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
