Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
