If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
