Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
