do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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