i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
