I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
