HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize