If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
