I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
