The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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