The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize