So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
