1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
