I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
