When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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