There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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