god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
