you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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