I think i peed on brittanys purse
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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