Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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