How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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