I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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