Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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