I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
