Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he fucked my hip out of place.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
