Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
