She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
