I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
