margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
