Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize