I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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