i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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