Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You're like the curious george of whores
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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