I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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