Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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