My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
