im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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