I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize